Screwed-Up Letters
by iliketurtles02
Summary: parody of The Screwtape Letters. Kyle, the advanced angel, has to give advice to Cartman, the angel in training, so that he can lead a human to a righteous life that will get him into heaven. The story is told through Kyle's letters. Warning that there might be kyman shipping teases.
1. letter 1

**Author's Note: Hi everyone. This is not my first fanfiction, but it's been a while since I wrote something serious and this is my first South Park fanfiction. Feel free to give constructive criticism and reviews are appreciated.**

**This doesn't make as much sense if you've never read The Screwtape Letters. That story is about devils tempting a human away from God, and this one is about angels leading a human in the right direction (and yes, Cartman is an angel. I know, the irony. But it needed to happen for the story to work.) Also, I know that in the show Cartman's gifted at persuasion and tempting people, but I think that since this is his _JOB_ here, and not for his own benefit, he would suck at it.**

**I put the shipping warning because I do ship these guys and it may slip into this story, but I don't think they'll officially get together or whatever. This is mostly arguing.**

**Enjoy the story! :)**

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Dear Cartman,

I asked you to describe your human to me. Saying he was a "weak-ass hippie" wasn't what I meant.

Look, I'll be honest, I'm not expecting much from you. At all. I didn't get to be where I am today because I told my patient to sit on his fat ass and eat cheesy poofs all day. Do you want to get promoted? Then actually do something for once. And use effort.

your higher up friend,

Kyle.


	2. letter 2: corruption

Dear Cartman,

Oh God, I should have known something like this would happen. So your patient's a satanic goth now? Great, real fucking great.

Still, you don't have to cry about it so much. I can practically hear your whining all over that last letter. Relax, dude, Jesus Christ. I'll save your ass. It's what I thought would happen anyway.

So he sees church as "conformist shit," huh? And you're wondering what I would do about it? Well, it would be harder to figure out SINCE YOU STILL HAVEN'T DESCRIBED HIM BETTER THAN "WEAK-ASS HIPPIE SHIT," but if I were you I'd suggest getting that thought turned around. He needs to stop seeing church as "that place Mom forces me to go." Maybe take the word "conformist" out of his vocabulary. It sounds obnoxious.

Oh, and remember God's plan. He wants us to merely show the humans the path of righteousness, not shove it up their ass. Hm, maybe some of the humans could learn that lesson too. Even some of our fellow brothers have been too obsessed with that shit. And for once I'm not refering to you in my complaint. I guess this is your lucky day. Oh wait, no, you still have the weak-ass hippie to deal with.

Your friend that's not obsessed with asses,

Kyle.


	3. letter 3: details

Dear Cartman,

I agree, it does sound fortunate that his mom and dad are going to talk to him. However, that does not mean you get to "dump him on his parents." You still have to do your job as his guardian angel. Nice try.

And you actually gave a detailed report. So his name is Stan, he's a pessimist, and he's in fourth grade. That's... kind of young to be becoming a satanist. What the hell did you tell him that lead to that?!

He keeps talking about pain and torcher, misery and suffering? I can relate, I have to put up with you don't I? Ha ha! It's fun writing letters instead of seeing you face-to-face. Now all I have to do is picture you reading this later. Oh God, I'm crying. I laughed so hard I'm crying.

Your friend that needs to learn to breath,

Kyle.


	4. letter 4: compromise?

Dear Cartman,

I guess I have to explain EVERYTHING for you. Again. Why am I not surprised?

First of all, NO! "Praying" doesn't count if he's praying to Satan! That's not a "compromise," you fucking failure, that's the exact opposite of what we want! I don't even care what he prayed for -peace on earth, a new football, WHATEVER. It doesn't count if it's not for Our Father.

You know what you're doing right now? You're not compromising with _him_ -you're compromising with_ his devil_. Yeah, the one that does your job only the opposite. You might even be better than him if you weren't so lazy! By letting him "do the faggy satanic stuff," you're letting his devil control him.

Oh, and you're his devil's bitch. Have fun with that.

Your frustrated friend,

Kyle.

**A/N: Not trying to be pushy here, but I really love reviews. Even just "you're doing a good job" or whatever is nice. Or tell me if I need to improve on something. But I understand if you don't feel like writing reviews: sometimes I don't either. **


	5. letter 5: disappointment

Dear Cartman,

"Do not take the Lord's name in vain" is what we tell the humans. So why should I even have to tell you that, yes, saying "I might as well be his devil's bitch. I'm God's bitch right now"_ could get you fired_! You'd become a devil, Cartman! Do you want that?!

On second thought, you might as well. They'd probably have just as much trouble with you as we are.

So his mother just wants him to stop dyeing his hair? That's disappointing. You would think that if she cared that much about bringing him to church on Sundays, then she would do something about him drawing satanic stars and ruining his afterlife. Not to mention his regular life. He's not even friends with the goth kids anymore? That's kind of sad... not that those are the people we want him to hang out with, of course, but everyone should have friends.

Did his dad say anything? I doubt Stan is calling him "sir," and parents tend to freak out if that doesn't happen.

Your disappointed friend,

Kyle.

**To Becky and Cster: thank you for the reviews. :)**


	6. letter 6: expression

Dear Cartman,

There's a difference between saying things like "Oh my God" and "Jesus Christ," and what you were saying two letters ago.

Those other things were just expressions. God doesn't get mad at expressions. Otherwise, like, every human ever would end up in Hell. He knows I don't mean harm to Him.

But saying you're God's bitch is saying you don't take your job seriously enough. Cause I _will_ say something, you know.

Oh, and about what you were saying in your last letter: I'm just as confused as you are for why God hasn't damned you to Hell yet, but DON'T FREAKING CALL OUR FATHER A PUSSY! And he is so paying attention to your every action! Jesus Christ, you're really asking for it! I have no idea why you don't count as a devil, but God must have a reason for you to still be here. Maybe this is my eternal torture. Ha ha. Only I don't know what _I_ did wrong.

Also, you forgot to mention anything about Stan. Or his parents. You just sent me that letter as a rebuttal. Great.

Your morally superior friend,

Kyle.


	7. letter 7: lost cause

Dear Cartman,

Please tell me you were joking. A cruel, sick joke. Stan's dad is now a satanic goth too? So he can be "cool" like his son? What the hell?!

What happened to the good old days when a man would actually punish their kid?!

And you say Stan's mom just rolls her eyes and says "I give up." No. That's not right. Whoever Sharon's angel is should be fired, they're worse than you. Stan's mom should be the one teaching her son right from wrong, not letting her kid (and apparently husband) walk all over her. You do NOT want to see how mad I am right now!

So Stan seems too far gone to convince him to become christian. Ok, whatever. I know that's the goal, but it would take a miracle or another few years to reach this one. Maybe- maybe you should just convince him that worshiping the devil is "uncool." Ok, I can tell you're rolling your eyes right now, but trust me -this could work right now! His dad is copying him! So make him realize how ridiculous he is, okay? Like, every time his dad does something stupid make him think "That's you, Stan. That's what you look like. Still think this is cool?" Maybe he'll get himself out of this one.

I say maybe a lot because I'm usually so sure of what to do, but none of my patients have ever gone so far behind. Except for one, but he was a lost cause to begin with.

Your confused friend,

Kyle.


	8. letter 8: the sheep go wrong

Dear Cartman,

Ok, so you weren't joking. Or you're still lying to me. Whatever, I'll work with what I'm getting. It's boring enough here as it is, might as well focus on you and your problems.

So it's not just Stan's dad? Now the other dads in the neighborhood are... GAH! THAT SOUNDS SO STUPID! Where does Stan live?! Why would all the adults join in on this barbaric display of ultimate sinning?!

Every dad?! Every _single_ dad is a fucking satanic goth that draws stars and writes poetry and _dyes their hair black?!_

Ok, I couldn't give a crap about their hair. Or the poetry. Poetry can be nice sometimes. But not the poems they're writing!

Or, I'm assuming.

Your friend with limited information,

Kyle


	9. letter 9: just a phase

Dear Cartman,

That's the best news I've heard all day! You must be so proud of your patient! Ok, I know it wasn't your guidance, it was the town's fathers that made him realize how "faggy" he was being and quit his satanic worship. Still, are you relieved? I am! Well, for you. Idk, I'm bored and this is the first good news I've heard in a while.

I like how you assumed I was talking about that poem you sent me months ago when I said poems can be nice. Yeah, but your poem wasn't. Give me a break! You were MOCKING me! Why would you think I'd like that?!

Your friend with a headache,

Kyle

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**A/N: Sorry for being so late in updating! I haven't given up on this story yet guys!**


	10. letter 10: friendship

Dear Cartman,

So Stan has a friend? Good for him! I'm being serious, I'm like, really happy for him. Happy as a fiddle. Or however that goes.

Ok, actually I'm not that happy. Turns out that headache I wrote about in my last letter wasn't just from bad memories. I'm sick. The good news is, other than writing this letter, I've got nothing else I have to-

sorry, sorry. Ew. Be careful when you handle the paper. The wet spots are my snot. I sneezed. Sorry.

That's all. I have to go to bed.

Your friend with an even bigger headache,

Kyle


	11. letter 11: in sickness and in health

Dear Cartman,

Not quite better yet, but at least it's not as bad as yesterday. Advil works for angels. Who knew?

I just read your letter from today, and the one from last week. I was sicker then I thought, I didn't even notice that entire section you wrote about the friend. He has a name, apparently. Connie doesn't sound that righteous, but at least he's not dark and brooding. Not like Stan would want to go back to that. If my dad ever embarrassed me like that I wouldn't even wear black ever again.

Not that I would anyway.

Not like we have a choice in wearing anything but these faggy angel costumes. Don't tell God I said that though.

Your friend that wears a dress,

Kyle.

As in K-Y-L-E. NOT "sickie."


	12. letter 12: beginning of a crush

Dear Cartman,

That's GREAT news! And I'm not faking my enthusiasm this time, that is the best thing for Stan right now!

Oh, before I forget (in case you would ever let me) -YES, I AM AWARE HIS FRIEND IS "KENNY," NOT "CONNIE!" It was a dumb mistake, and it won't happen again! Didn't have to complain about it the entire letter!

And Connie can be a boy's name too! It's short for "Conrad." Or Conwell or something.

Anyway, Stan needs a girlfriend. Or at least someone to get his mind away from evil. That crush you mentioned in your last letter -you should encourage that. Maybe it'll blossom into love.

Is that too much for you to handle? I could get you switched with someone else if you're inexperienced; I heard that whoever has the patient "Butters Scotch" has it pretty easy these days.

Your friend that wishes he wasn't so tired all the time,

Kyle


End file.
